Monday, October 18, 2010


I have been struggling alot lately with who I am. I have lost who I am and was. I have a lot of insecurities when it comes to friendships and life in general. I am a people pleaser. I worry more about what people think about me then what I think about myself. Honestly I do not really like who I have become. I tend to worry about making others happy and trying to help them more then helping myself. The real me does not care about if someone is gay or about others religious beliefs. I believe in equality. I am working on finding my faith. Breaking down these walls being more open. I have found that my over excitements and worrieness hinders friendships. Deep inside I am a broken soul. I do not like the fact that I have a deep sense of anger and resentment towards my life. I am so scared of being alone. I want to be open to everyone about my feelings towards different subjects without feeling like they are going to judge me. I do not like saying things that I may not truely believe in to make others happy. I feel like if I told people how I really feel about different things they would not like me. In turn I do not like myself. I am being untrue to myself and others. Maybe it is just I am not supposed to be happy with who I am. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. Always watching what I am saying as to not start a conflict. In turn I have made myself truly unhappy. I have thought that helping other people and doing what I could to help them would make my insecurities about myself go away. It has not. I have doubts with in myself on whether or not I am a good friend and person. I question that if someone does not get in touch with me that they do not like me or do not have any interest with me. So I try to find things that I feel would help the friendship. In turn I damage the friendship. 

So here is the real me. I am passionate, hardworking and try to do anything for anyone. If I feel like I am getting taken advantage of I pull away.  I may not believe with all of my heart that there is a greater being. I am trying to but it is hard when there are so many stars in the sky and many more galaxies to be found. How do I know that the Greeks, Romans, Pagans and other religions are wrong. How do I not know that Christianity in its self was not made up to help individuals cope with day to day life. Giving them something to believe in. Us as humans need something greater then us to believe in to help us make it through day to day life. I find the scriptures of the Bible helpful. They help me understand that with different obstacles that are given to me in life I will make it through. The Bible is a great book but how do I know that it is all true. I respect all Christianity and other religions I want to be a full on believer. It is okay for me to have these doubts and questions. Yes it is because I am human. There are different aspects of Christianity that I do not agree with. Just because the Bible may say living a certain way is wrong does not mean that others should be judged for it. I may not agree with how others are living their lives but I am not the one to judge. God is the only person to judge then. I fight with my feelings about the Bible and Christianity everyday. I fight with the feelings of how do I know all of this is true and right. I do judge people and I wish that I did not. I feel that with these flaws of mine being that I do judge people, have hatred, a foul mouth and other qualities about myself that are not the most attractive that I would never be able to conform. I feel that because I do not see anything wrong with being homosexual that I will never fit in. I believe that you can fall in love with someone whether they are man or women. That love is so deep and who am I to tell you are wrong. We all bleed the same blood and shed the same tears. We are all human. 

These are just some of the thoughts that are constantly going through my head. A tangled mess of thoughts and emotions that I can not sort out into the proper words to discuss.

I enjoy going to church but feel that I will never be like the people that go there because I believe and feel differently then they do about different situations.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Yay for new beginnings!

I am so excited to say that next Monday I will be done with school. I have been waiting for this day for a a long time. It is so nice for it all to be over with. I know my children are excited also. Gone are the nights and days of mommy being on the computer. Now I can focus all of my energy on them. It will be a nice and welcomed change. My computer is also happy because it will be getting a break. After next week I probably will not be on my computer much anymore. I really do not get on it other then to do school work or pay bills. These last few years have been hard and sometimes I did not know if I could do it but I did do it. I am so proud of myself and so happy that I will not have to talk about doing gosh darn school work anymore. Well that is all for today. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Monday, October 11, 2010


October is one of my favorite months of the year. The leaves are changing the weather is getting cooler and it is time for some good times with friends sitting out by the fire. October is also a sad month for our house also. My daughters father will have been gone for 2 years on the 19. He may not of been the greatest person in the world but I still feel sad for my daughter because she will never get to know the good parts of him. However she has a great father my husband. He has been there for her since she was 1.5 years old. He is all she has ever known. I am gratefully thankful for him everyday of my life. He is a great father.

On to good news the countdown is on. In a little less then two weeks I will be done with school. It has been a long 6 years and changing my major three time but I will have finally done it. I am so proud of myself. I will be thankful to be able to spend more time with my children. They are my world.

Hayden is doing well in school. Mika is also doing well. I am so proud of them. They are so excited about the upcoming harvest/Halloween party. It will be a ton of fun.

Well all is going good in the Mowery household can not wait to see what the rest of the year brings.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


I went to a new church today with a friend of mine. It was amazing. I enjoyed the Sunday school class and the sermon. During the sermon the priest talked about how important it is not to mumble. He said that if someone has a issue it is better to bring up that issue with the person rather then mumble about it. The issue can not get fixed if the person is not willing to talk about it.

The kids also had a great time at church. Ayla did great in the nursery. If you know Ayla she usually has problems being away from mommy and daddy. It is nice that she is finally socializing with children her own age. Mika and Hayden also had a great time. They want to go back next Sunday. I am looking forward to going back. It helps that the kids enjoy church. Going to church helps me be a stronger person not only in faith but in all aspects of my life.

On a more serious note. Hayden had a doctors appointment on Friday and the doctor is sending him to the cardiologist to have an ultrasound of his heart. We have always known that he has a heart murmur but in the past we were told it was innocent. The doctor is concerned because she can hear it very easily when he is standing and laying down. He also gets flushed easily and sweats a lot. She wants to have his anatomy of his heart looked at and then have him get an appointment with a pulminologist . I am praying that it all goes well and that his heart murmur is still innocent. I worry about my son and want him to be healthy. I know God will take care of him and us. This is out of our hands and we must leave it up to the Lord to make everything okay.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Lift me up

Lift me up lord for I believe
lift me up lord for I have sinned
Lift me up lord
oh lift me up lord
Take away all this pain
that I feel in the depths of me
Lift me up lord
Lift me up lord
I can see lord
your undying love
all around me
Lift me up lord
oh lift me up lord
I was lost
But now I am found
I found your love
waiting for me
lift me up lord
Lift me up lord
Now the pain has left me
I feel your grace
Inside of  me
You lifted me up Lord
You lifted me up Lord

Just a little song I put together

The Warmth of His Touch

Last night while laying down getting ready to sleep I had this overwhelming urge to pray. I pray for friends often but this urge was so strong that all of the prayers just seemed to flow. I prayed for all of my friends going through tough times right now. I prayed for good things to come for my friends. While praying mind you I prayed for at least a good 30 minutes I felt this warmth come over me. This healing loving touch that I have not felt in a long time. This warmth and peace that everything is okay and that he will take care and heal. The warmth of his touch reminded me that he is here. This touch also reminded me that he is listening.

When I opened up the bible this morning I opened up to Psalm 107: Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the LORD say this- those he redeemed for the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south. Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

It is amazing how the LORD knows what you need and do not need. He knows that I am thirsty and hungry and he feeds my needs. The LORD is good and he has unfailing love.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Choas and Happiness in the Mowery Household

Today has been one of those days where you can only laugh when certain situations arise. Our golden retriever buddy took it upon himself to do a little electrical work. He decided that it was SMART to chew through the lamp cord that was plugged in and turned on. I am thankful that we did not have to have Chinese dinner tonight. You know moo goo gui dog. This situation reminded me of the movie Christmas Vacation when the Griswalds cat decides to chew through the lights on the Christmas tree and catches it on fire. On a good note Mika read her first book to me tonight. Mind you there were only two words on each page but that is a start. I am so proud of my little girl. Ayla loves to run around the living room and play with her brother and sister and be read too. It was so sweet tonight when I put her to bed. She stood up in her crib and wanted a kiss. She gave me a real kiss. It is so heart warming when your children tell you they love you and give big warm hugs and smooches. I love my little angels. It is great days like today that remind me that being a mom is the most special gift God can give you. I am interested to see what other off the wall things can happen in the Mowery household tomorrow.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Sleeping In

After a rough day yesterday my wonderful husband let me sleep in. I wake up this morning/afternoon to hearing my little girl yelling Hayden and screaming. Screaming in a happy sense. I guess squealing would be a better word. My children are all happy well fed and playing nicely. Mika is happily playing with her doll house in her room and Hayden is in the living room playing with Ayla. Even though Ayla still is not dressed and the living room is a complete disaster it is okay. It is okay that my house is not perfect. The world is not going to end because everything is not in its place and perfect. My children are happy no matter what. Just spending time with them, talking to them and letting them know I love them is all that matters. They will not remember or care if things are not just right or spic-n-span what they will look back on are the moments that daddy and I told them we loved them and spent quality fun time with them.

Friday, September 17, 2010

One of Those Days

Today has been one of those days. Where everything seemed to be going wrong. On a good note I had a nice dinner with my husband and children. I am also very excited about a night with my girl friends. It will be tons of fun. I hate that I always seem to be down at the end of the week. I need to not worry about things I can not control. I am very happy that I have three wonderful children, and a loving husband. I am very thankful to have a nice house and friends that care about me. I need to stop building these walls up around myself. I start to let them down and become relaxed and boom they start building back up out of no where. I need to learn to trust more and not be so guarded. I love going out and hanging with friends it is the best times. Unfortunately I find myself feeling down when I am stuck at home with nothing to do. I would think that raising three children and going to school full time would be enough to keep me busy. I wish I just had some help in realizing that the walls are not needed. I have to stop letting past situations get in the way of new and present friendships. I need to more forward I do not seem to know how though. Just some random thoughts that are ever present in my irrational/rational mind.

Not my cup of Tea

This week has been full of sick, whiny, disobedient children. Which has caused me to go nuts! If I wasn't nuts enough already. I originally thought I was finally getting this SAHM thing down. Staying organized, on routine, and happy about being at home. Then towards the end of the week I started feeling down. Which does not make any sense since I love my children, husband and being able to have the choice to stay at home with them. While reeling through the mountainous thoughts of why or what is making me feel this way it hit me. Not being busy, involved, feeling self worth makes me feel down. Do not get me wrong being a SAHM is hard work and very stressful and gratifying. It is hard for me though to feel like I get things accomplished. When I worked we had daily goals and tasks that had to be accomplished and you would move on to the next. With being a SAHM you get one thing done and have to repeat over and over and over again. It feels like the work is never ending and that nothing is getting accomplished. Some days are full of whining, sick disobedient children. If feels like you are getting paid in screams and tears. Other days are full of hugs and kisses and I love yous. Those are the best days. It is much harder then I ever imagined to be a SAHM. I am  task orientated and goal orientated and I feel completely lost some days. I am at this constant battle that if I go back to work I am taking something away from my children but if I stay home am I going to continue to have days where I feel the sense of lost self worth. Sometimes I just wish my brain would shut off. I need an outlet sitting at home every night while my husband works until 1 am gives a person a lot of time to think and gets really lonely. I wish I had family that lived near by or a sister I could share stories with and events that happened through out the day.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Mikas Day

Today is my daughter Mika's 5th birthday. I can not believe that 5 years ago today I had my daughter 6 weeks premature. Mind you the doctors told me she was going to be 3 to 4lbs. When she came out a whopping 6lbs 5oz and 19.5 inches long I was shocked. She had respiratory distress and so forth but was able to come home with me three days later and has been healthy ever since. I am so thankful for my beautiful daughter. She has a great spirit about her. She is very loving, friendly, caring, and a princess. She melts my heart everyday even if she is not obeying the rules. She is a free spirit and I am very blessed to have her as my daughter. Happy 5th birthday Mika. Mommy loves you very much.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Finding Excitement

I am one of those people if I am not busy doing something I get bored and a little depressed. I realized today that I need a little excitement in my life. I know it sounds a little crazy considering I am a full time student, stay at home mom and have three children, but I need to do something that gets the adrenaline pumping.I am hoping that I will find that excitement again. I am beginning to think that working in the Emergency Room again is the only way to get that excitement back or becoming an EMT. I love the feeling of working with a team to save someones life. On the other hand I also enjoy being at home with my children. It is a lose/lose situation. If only there was something out there that I could get the adrenaline rush and excitement I am looking for and still be able to be with my children.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Different plans

People including myself always have a plan or a way that they would like their life to be. Unfortunatly it does not go the way we have planned. If my life would have gone the way I had planned I would have graduated from Coastal Carolina University as a Marine Biologist, get married and have a lot of kids. Instead I did not go to school right out of high school, I decided that partying and so called love was more important. Became pregnant with my son at the age of 19 two weeks shy of my 20th birthday, looked for love in all of the wrong places, started college, became pregnant with my daughter, was a single mother for 4 years, changed my major three times meet my husband had my other daughter, have an angel baby in heaven, got married and now getting ready to graduate from college with my bachelors in business with a specialty in health administration with honors. My life did not go as planned. It may have sucked caused a lot of heart ache but there was so much good tat came out of this. I may not understand why things do not go as planned but God does. God has a plan for me it may not be what I want at the moment but in time I will find out why things have gone the way they have. I have to remind myself daily of that I may cry and scream and ask why me but I have no control over the situation only God does. I am hoping to get an answer on why all of these recent events have happened. I am hoping to get good news soon. Benton and I really needs some good news in our life.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Day of reflection

Today has been a day of reflection, it is hard for me to believe that 7 years ago from today I was waiting the arrival of my little boy Hayden. Fast  forward 7 years and it was his first day of 1st grade. It feels like yesterday I was looking at him for the first time. I remember all of the dark blonde hair that he had and his beautiful face. I remmeber the the first time he smiled, his first steps, the first time he went to preschool and then last year his first day of kindergarten. I can not believe my beautiful little boy is growing up so fast before my very eyes. I am so thankful to have my son. He saved my life and I owe everything in the world to him. Hayden I love you and I enjoy every moment I have with you to help mold you into the wonderful man I hope you someday become.

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalms 127:3-5 ESV)

Planted in the house of the Lord, they shall flourish in the courts of our God.
Psalm 92: 13

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My first Blog

Recently, I have been intrigued with the idea of blogging. A very close friend of mine blogs and I have taken interest in her blogs.Since I always have a lot on my mind I thought that blogging about it would help me deal with certain issues and get things off my chest. So... here goes nothing.

This past year has been an amazing year. I have met new people, had heart break and recently got married. Through out this year and recently in the past couple months have learned a lot about myself. Currently I am a full time student and stay at home mother to three wonderful children ages 6, 4, and 1. I have a wonderful husband also.

Recently, I realized that God does keep his promises. It may not be the way that you thought that it should be but he does. The love of my life died five years ago. He promised before he died that he would take care of me, my son and the baby that I was expecting. Unfortunately he died unexpectedly.  For a long time I could not understand why God would take him away from me. Did my son and I not deserve happiness. I struggled with this for some time until I met my husband and recently when we got married.  Well God did keep his promise. James parents and I grew really close after his death. I consider them my best friends, my childrens grandparents and my second parents. The promise that James made happened. His parents took and have been there for my children and I. His parents have been able to watch me grow into the beautiful women and mother that I have become. His parents have been the shoulders to cry on. His step father even preformed the wedding ceremony. His parents were there for me even though James could not. God had been answering my prayers the whole time, he kept James promise to my children and I.

Even though we may not know why things happen the way that they do they are answered when we are least expecting it. God is there he listens to our prayers and he gives us answers sometimes it may take us to realize that he is there or realize the answer is right in front of our face but he is there.

I may not be the best christian, but I am learning. I am learning to trust in the Lord. He has shown me great things he has brought me three beautiful children, and angle baby, a wonderful husband, great family, and great/awesome friends. He is there for me and I need to rely on him more often. God has great things in store for me and my family.

Trust and have faith in the Lord and he will take care of me.