Monday, October 18, 2010


I have been struggling alot lately with who I am. I have lost who I am and was. I have a lot of insecurities when it comes to friendships and life in general. I am a people pleaser. I worry more about what people think about me then what I think about myself. Honestly I do not really like who I have become. I tend to worry about making others happy and trying to help them more then helping myself. The real me does not care about if someone is gay or about others religious beliefs. I believe in equality. I am working on finding my faith. Breaking down these walls being more open. I have found that my over excitements and worrieness hinders friendships. Deep inside I am a broken soul. I do not like the fact that I have a deep sense of anger and resentment towards my life. I am so scared of being alone. I want to be open to everyone about my feelings towards different subjects without feeling like they are going to judge me. I do not like saying things that I may not truely believe in to make others happy. I feel like if I told people how I really feel about different things they would not like me. In turn I do not like myself. I am being untrue to myself and others. Maybe it is just I am not supposed to be happy with who I am. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. Always watching what I am saying as to not start a conflict. In turn I have made myself truly unhappy. I have thought that helping other people and doing what I could to help them would make my insecurities about myself go away. It has not. I have doubts with in myself on whether or not I am a good friend and person. I question that if someone does not get in touch with me that they do not like me or do not have any interest with me. So I try to find things that I feel would help the friendship. In turn I damage the friendship. 

So here is the real me. I am passionate, hardworking and try to do anything for anyone. If I feel like I am getting taken advantage of I pull away.  I may not believe with all of my heart that there is a greater being. I am trying to but it is hard when there are so many stars in the sky and many more galaxies to be found. How do I know that the Greeks, Romans, Pagans and other religions are wrong. How do I not know that Christianity in its self was not made up to help individuals cope with day to day life. Giving them something to believe in. Us as humans need something greater then us to believe in to help us make it through day to day life. I find the scriptures of the Bible helpful. They help me understand that with different obstacles that are given to me in life I will make it through. The Bible is a great book but how do I know that it is all true. I respect all Christianity and other religions I want to be a full on believer. It is okay for me to have these doubts and questions. Yes it is because I am human. There are different aspects of Christianity that I do not agree with. Just because the Bible may say living a certain way is wrong does not mean that others should be judged for it. I may not agree with how others are living their lives but I am not the one to judge. God is the only person to judge then. I fight with my feelings about the Bible and Christianity everyday. I fight with the feelings of how do I know all of this is true and right. I do judge people and I wish that I did not. I feel that with these flaws of mine being that I do judge people, have hatred, a foul mouth and other qualities about myself that are not the most attractive that I would never be able to conform. I feel that because I do not see anything wrong with being homosexual that I will never fit in. I believe that you can fall in love with someone whether they are man or women. That love is so deep and who am I to tell you are wrong. We all bleed the same blood and shed the same tears. We are all human. 

These are just some of the thoughts that are constantly going through my head. A tangled mess of thoughts and emotions that I can not sort out into the proper words to discuss.

I enjoy going to church but feel that I will never be like the people that go there because I believe and feel differently then they do about different situations.

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